confessions of a former thot

Once you put something on the internet, it's very hard to drag it back and bury it. But there's such a freedom and liberation in Christ that allows you to share more than you ever thought you could for his glory.

I would be lying if I said the thought of who would read this, and what they would think about me didn't run screaming across my mind several times.But I also know that God didn't deliver me from my sexual immorality so I could keep my mouth closed.

No, I'm not going to share all the salacious details of my sexual deviance. This is not a Karrine Steffan's tell all, but a transparent post about my short comings and the goodness of God.

I remember being 14 and vehemently telling my bestie (Doyin) that I planned on being a virgin until I got married. I heard it in church all the time. I knew that to be a good christian girl I was supposed to be keep my legs closed until some man ran up like a knight in shinning armor and offered me a ring. Then this man and I would live happily ever after and enjoy wedded blissful sex. (or so I'd imagined)

My mother and I never spoke about sex. She was a foreign woman on American soil. Sex wasn't readily discussed in the Nigerian household. Most of our conversation consisted of one distinct memory in which another parent told my mother they had witnessed me sitting on a boy's lap. My mom then sharply informed me that sex was for marriage, and the only pleasure should come from my husband.

So I did what any other normal teenage girl does when sex is taboo in her home, I turned to the fledgling internet. I rediscovered pornography (the first time was at the age of 7 when I stumbled upon a playboy magazine at our apartment complex, I believe the enemy used that to introduce seeds into my life). I sought sexual advice from friends who hardly knew better and T.V. shows that glamorized fornication.
At 14, I went from the nerdy, book loving girl to a blossoming woman who needed affirmation from the opposite sex to feel whole.

Needless to say, while my head said abstain..and the ring on my finger said abstain, my heart said nahhh. At 14, I became sexually active. I gave men and boys alike pieces of myself without going all the way...until of course I went all the way with one.

The lord tired to put a stop to my sexual dalliances when my mother discovered what I was up to behind her back, but ultimately, the lesson didn't stick.

By the time I graduated highschool, I'd had various sexual partners. I felt ashamed and empowered at the same time. I felt empowered because I had something that men so desperately craved and I used it to manipulate them to get what I wanted.
 I felt ashamed because the deep conviction implanted in me by the holy spirit never let up.
The consequences to my lack of standards: pregnancy scares, stds scares, you know all the things associated with sex (especially premarital sex).
College was an even wider playing field of available men, I slowed down some. I became more selective with my sexual partners because I didn't want to get a reputation. I didn't want my promiscuity to be exposed to the world.(That's the thing about sin, it always wants to stay hidden)

I know the world is preaching a message that freedom comes casual sex, but that's a bold faced lie from the enemy. Sex outside of the beauty of marriage does nothing but drain and contaminate you. There's a void that is deepened when you join yourself intimately with others outside of God's design.

There's a reason the word says: 'Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body.' 1corinthians 6-18

It came to the point where I felt so empty I couldn't be alone for longer than two or three days. As Heather Lindsey would say 'I kept me a man in my bed.' I kept men in rotation because I used them to sustain myself esteem. I wore less clothes, spoke a certain way, posted certain things on my social media in order to cultivate my following of suitors.

These men didn't care about me, they didn't even know me, they knew the idea of me that I portrayed. All the while I battled loneliness and buried the quiet screams of the holy-spirit with alcohol and marijuana. 

It took getting into my last relationship which ended up being an abusive situation before I truly discovered the true love of God.

Ephesians 5 commands men to love their wives as Christ loves the church. I don't believe it's a coincidence that the holy God commands love for the woman. Women crave love, we need it, all too often we turn to the world to provide it.
We turn to men who don't know the author of love to fill our voids, we turn to people to complete us.
We as women lack standards because we lack knowledge of how precious and valuable we truly are.

I'm tearing up now because I remember how little I truly loved and valued myself all  while thinking that I had it together. I remember the standards that I lacked and how cheaply I sold my worth.

I'm so grateful I discovered the enduring love of God.
 The love of Christ is something you don't have to earn. It's liberating because you finally see yourself as the woman God created you to be. I no longer seek validation from men, my worth is not tied to how appealing I am to anyone. My self-esteem is not contingent upon the outfits I wear. 

It's funny because I used to fear offending the men that pried their way into my inbox, dms, whatever you'd like to call, I don't care. I'm quick to delete or block anyone who doesn't aid in my walk with Christ. I don't reply to 'let's chill' messages.

 I don't entertain men who don't seek to lead me to Christ.

Is it easy?
It's extremely hard, especially in this world. 
Temptation is constant, but I combat it with the word of God

13 Any temptation you face will be nothing new. But God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can handle. But He always provides a way of escape so that you will be able to endure and keep moving forward

Christ is freedom, and his word is true liberation. Becoming the woman God intended comes with sacrifice, but I promise:

If you struggle with men bondage. I challenge you to be honest with yourself, be truly transparent about the life you're living and question whether or not you can stand before your heavenly father and boldly stand beside your actions.

God heals. Trust me. He loves you regardless of where you've been, who've you been with or what you've done.

Cast your cares and your past on God, for he cares for you and allow the Lord to complete the perfect work he started in you. Step boldly into your future and trust that the Lord you serve is on your side.

Happy 2016

All my love,

Kicking off New Years in New Jersey with my bestie. Great times!

o l