When the thirst is real

This may be a pretty scandalous post, but I feel like my blog is a place where I can be unapologetically honest and real in every aspect.
If I can talk about my past shame, thoughts of suicide, depression...I can talk about my thirst.

For the first time in a long time, I am single.
No plural, no bae, no boo...no body texting me good morning or asking how my day was or otherwise.
And...it's strange. At first it was very lonely.

Since puberty, I've always accessed my worth by the number of men I kept in rotation. I didn't necessarily know that was what I was doing, I just thought I was just finally coming into my own.
I grew up awkward and unattractive, so when boys and men started finally noticing me, it was like a switch in my brain was turned on.
Couple my low self-esteem with my mostly absent father, you had a pretty formidable match.
Even as I started forming my relationship with Christ, I could never truly overcome my need for male attention. I constantly sought the affirmation I originally desired from my father from these other male figures.

Of course the relationships were never the same.

I believe the relationship I witnessed between my mother and father definitely planted seeds of insecurity and a lack of respect for men within me. BUT, Please hear me when I say my parents are wonderful parents, mother and father...they're human though.
And the enemy will take even our tiniest flaws and magnify them to a proportion which we wouldn't think. That's why it's so important to be ever vigilant in our walk and in our defenses. (1 peter 5:8) 
Ultimately I take full responsibility for all my actions, while my environment may have planted certain seeds, I chose to water them even after hearing the word of God...over and over and over.

Through a lot of fasting and prayer, I feel like I am finally at the point where through the grace of God, I'm overcoming the bondage of men. Honestly, it hasn't been easy, but I am feeling the growth.
Nonetheless, the thirst is still real.
It's almost like the more determined I am to overcome my natural desires, the more temptation is constantly pursuing me.
I think the misconception around Christianity is that you magically lose all your hormones or earthly desires the moment you are saved. Absolute falsehood. 
I truly believe this is why it's so important to have a living relationship with Christ, because without the conviction of the Holy spirit, the flesh will always dominate.

And It's not enough for me to say that the thirst is real without providing ways to quench it.


Practical tips for when the thirst gets too real:

1. Ask yourself: what seeds am I planting and watering in my heart?

If you find that you only have certain things on the brain, well...what are you listening to? What are you watching? what are you reading?
Have you ever noticed how music affects the way we feel..listen to a sad song, begin to feel sad.
Listen to a happy song, begin to feel upbeat and happy...listen to raunchy music, you're going to start feeling raunchy. Don't be timid when it comes to guarding you heart, your thoughts and your mind.  

Guard your heart above all else,
    for it determines the course of your life.Proverbs 4:23

2. Make sure you make deliberate efforts to focus on the things of God.

It's not enough to exclude secular influence, but you need to fill those voids with God and the things of God. If you're constantly crushing on a relationship that won't become reality, or are tempted to return to randoms, read the word of God. You'll be surprised at how quickly those previous thoughts dissipate as your renew your mind and focus on Christ-like things. Pray if nothing else! Talk to God, not that guy.

Your word is a lamp to guide my feet
    and a light for my path. Psalms 119:105

3.Pass the test. Avoid the temptation.

If you're like me, you know what your weaknesses are..so make deliberate efforts to avoid the pitfalls that the enemy has set up. I know that if I keep certain numbers in my phone, I may succumb to my flesh text these dudes, so I delete their numbers from my contacts. I know if I keep a certain guy in my snapchat friends, I'll be tempted to post extra cute selfies to catch his eye or worst, I'll constantly lurk his stories hoping he'll hit me up.
Moral of the story is: don't give the enemy a foothold, don't walk right into the traps that he sets for you. Christ has made us more than a conquerors...that means we have every weapon to pass each and every temptation that comes our way.

Flee your youthful lusts! Timothy 2:22 and walk in the purpose that Christ has for you.

It may seem small to some, but I never want to stand before Jesus knowing that my inability to my submit my flesh to the will of God kept me from fulfilling my purpose on this earth. 

I also don't want to be so busy thirsting for some random man that I miss the wonderful man of God, that Christ has prepared just for me.

All my love,

Fellow-shipping outside of church with my sissy in Christ Kesi, trying to avoid these thirst traps