To the woman who has no friends

It seems like the older you get, the less friends you have.
In elementary school, the whole point of school was to make friends and have as many friends as possible.
In high school, you're awkward, but the desire to fit in and form meaningful relationships didn't dissipate.

As you get even older, the song changes. It's no longer about having as many friends as possible, now people brag about having 'small circles' and few friendships.
The older you get the harder it seems to maintain significant relationships with people.

As a woman I feel the struggle is especially hard for us. Women are more apt to express our feelings and we often read into situations on levels men never breech. I know it's not a popular thing to say, but I feel that women get jealous easier, upset quicker and vindictive sooner.
So we struggle in our relationships with one another.

Growing up, I was an only child. Only child syndrome denotes a fierce independence coupled by a desire for significant relationships. The problem was, I could never keep friendships for long periods of time, except for one. That one being my best friend Doyin, and I would love to say our lasting friendship is due to my hard work, but she kept us alive more often times than I have.

I have no trouble making friends, but forming lasting and significant relationships often eluded me, because to have good friends, you need to be a good friend.
And for a long time, I didn't know how to be a good friend.

My problems

1. I was selfish
2. I didn't communicate
3. I lacked authenticity

I state my three flaws unapologetically, because God has truly been pruning these characteristics out of me.
I possessed a sense of entitlement about everything, and my pride accompanied it. I wanted to be center of attention in all my relationships, ignoring the fact that friendship are a two way street.
If a friend and I had a disagreement, I always looked at it only from my perspective. I couldn't understand why the other woman didn't see it my way, or why she wouldn't apologize for hurting me.

I didn't communicate. I'm not talking about texting or calling (although I'm not too good at that). I'm talking about saying what I mean and meaning what I said. I would tell friends what they wanted to hear to avoid disagreement (even if it was untrue).
And if you do this, understand it is unbiblical, we can speak boldly to our true friends because proverbs 27:5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love.

6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
Worse, I would keep my mouth shut on specific issues that affected our friendships, again, to avoid fights. AND I would never tell 'my friends' my problems. I wouldn't tell them my pains, or hurts, or issues. I would never allow input into my life and I would guard my inner pains with a ferociousness that rivaled any lion.

I would say the worst of my problems was my lack of authenticity. It seems like all my life I've been trying to figure out who is Obioma. And when you don't know who you are, it's very hard, if not impossible to be the real you around anyone. I would camouflage myself depending on who I was around. So one set of friends would get loud, funny, and impulsive Obioma. The other set of friends would receive quiet, charming and flirty Obioma. I switched it up all the time.
Can I be honest and say: It's very hard to form relationships with fake people. I was that fake person.

Being transparent on this blog is something I aim to be, because I believe transparency is the key to any ministry and any move of God.

If you struggle with friendships, being a good friend or having good friends...I challenge you to examine yourself. Take your eyes off others and truly call yourself out.
Be honest about your short comings and go to God for the solution.

I didn't overcome my problems on my own, I didn't become unselfish over night. I didn't start telling all my troubles immediately, and I definitely didn't become authentic in an instant. Getting in my Bible, learning about what it meant to be a true Christian, a true Christ follower was the first step. And as I grew closer to God, as I realized who I was in him I could walk in the image of Christ and form the lasting relationships I have now.

I think the lightbulb hit when I finally realized that through my salvation with Christ I was a friend of Christ. Now I could be a true friend to someone else.

I love how John 15:12-15 models biblical friendships.

12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.

References for John 15:12

• Cross References

• 16 15:12 - ver 17; S Jn 13:34

13 Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

References for John 15:13

• Cross References

• 17 15:13 - Ge 44:33 ; Jn 10:11 ; Ro 5:7,8

14 You are my friends if you do what I command.

References for John 15:14

• Cross References

• 18 15:14 - Job 16:20 ; Pr 18:24 ; Lk 12:4
• 19 15:14 - Mt 12:50

15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

My bestie Doyin (middle) and Victoria in New York

After church outings with my sissy Kesi

All my love,
Obioma

When the thirst is real

This may be a pretty scandalous post, but I feel like my blog is a place where I can be unapologetically honest and real in every aspect.
If I can talk about my past shame, thoughts of suicide, depression...I can talk about my thirst.

For the first time in a long time, I am single.
No plural, no bae, no boo...no body texting me good morning or asking how my day was or otherwise.
And...it's strange. At first it was very lonely.

Since puberty, I've always accessed my worth by the number of men I kept in rotation. I didn't necessarily know that was what I was doing, I just thought I was just finally coming into my own.
I grew up awkward and unattractive, so when boys and men started finally noticing me, it was like a switch in my brain was turned on.
Couple my low self-esteem with my mostly absent father, you had a pretty formidable match.
Even as I started forming my relationship with Christ, I could never truly overcome my need for male attention. I constantly sought the affirmation I originally desired from my father from these other male figures.

Of course the relationships were never the same.

I believe the relationship I witnessed between my mother and father definitely planted seeds of insecurity and a lack of respect for men within me. BUT, Please hear me when I say my parents are wonderful parents, mother and father...they're human though.
And the enemy will take even our tiniest flaws and magnify them to a proportion which we wouldn't think. That's why it's so important to be ever vigilant in our walk and in our defenses. (1 peter 5:8) 
Ultimately I take full responsibility for all my actions, while my environment may have planted certain seeds, I chose to water them even after hearing the word of God...over and over and over.

Through a lot of fasting and prayer, I feel like I am finally at the point where through the grace of God, I'm overcoming the bondage of men. Honestly, it hasn't been easy, but I am feeling the growth.
Nonetheless, the thirst is still real.
It's almost like the more determined I am to overcome my natural desires, the more temptation is constantly pursuing me.
I think the misconception around Christianity is that you magically lose all your hormones or earthly desires the moment you are saved. Absolute falsehood. 
I truly believe this is why it's so important to have a living relationship with Christ, because without the conviction of the Holy spirit, the flesh will always dominate.

And It's not enough for me to say that the thirst is real without providing ways to quench it.

 

Practical tips for when the thirst gets too real:

1. Ask yourself: what seeds am I planting and watering in my heart?

If you find that you only have certain things on the brain, well...what are you listening to? What are you watching? what are you reading?
Have you ever noticed how music affects the way we feel..listen to a sad song, begin to feel sad.
Listen to a happy song, begin to feel upbeat and happy...listen to raunchy music, you're going to start feeling raunchy. Don't be timid when it comes to guarding you heart, your thoughts and your mind.  

Guard your heart above all else,
    for it determines the course of your life.Proverbs 4:23

2. Make sure you make deliberate efforts to focus on the things of God.

It's not enough to exclude secular influence, but you need to fill those voids with God and the things of God. If you're constantly crushing on a relationship that won't become reality, or are tempted to return to randoms, read the word of God. You'll be surprised at how quickly those previous thoughts dissipate as your renew your mind and focus on Christ-like things. Pray if nothing else! Talk to God, not that guy.

Your word is a lamp to guide my feet
    and a light for my path. Psalms 119:105

3.Pass the test. Avoid the temptation.

If you're like me, you know what your weaknesses are..so make deliberate efforts to avoid the pitfalls that the enemy has set up. I know that if I keep certain numbers in my phone, I may succumb to my flesh text these dudes, so I delete their numbers from my contacts. I know if I keep a certain guy in my snapchat friends, I'll be tempted to post extra cute selfies to catch his eye or worst, I'll constantly lurk his stories hoping he'll hit me up.
Moral of the story is: don't give the enemy a foothold, don't walk right into the traps that he sets for you. Christ has made us more than a conquerors...that means we have every weapon to pass each and every temptation that comes our way.

Flee your youthful lusts! Timothy 2:22 and walk in the purpose that Christ has for you.

It may seem small to some, but I never want to stand before Jesus knowing that my inability to my submit my flesh to the will of God kept me from fulfilling my purpose on this earth. 

I also don't want to be so busy thirsting for some random man that I miss the wonderful man of God, that Christ has prepared just for me.

All my love,
Obioma

Fellow-shipping outside of church with my sissy in Christ Kesi, trying to avoid these thirst traps

The peace that surpasses all understanding

God is amazing.
I look at my life 8 months ago, and I look at it now...and tears well up in my eyes.
From literally cents in my bank acounts, to panicing about my future, to a desperate desire to escape reality......

Now I wake up with joy, pure unalderated joy.
And this joy is not 'happiness', this joy doesn't depend on whether or not my circumstances are favorable.

Car mirror broke...I'm still joyful and smiling
Can't find my dream apartment...I'm still thankful to even be alive
Bills piling up...I'm still grining from ear to ear

no fear, no anxiety.

I wake up with a hunger for the day and a desire to do and be all that God has for me.

It's beautiful thing when all you want to do is give glory to God.

It will always get better when christ is your focus.

I know this is not a typical blog entry, but sometimes It's necessary to reflect on all God has done and continues to do for you.
I appreciate you father God, from the big to the small.

If your struggling with depression, anxiety, fear: enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise Psalms 100:4 . petition your father in heaven for the peace that surpasses all understanding Philippians 4:7. Pray without ceasing and his unfailing love will hear you.

Being ultra silly with my friend Shola.

All my love,
Obioma